Who the hell cares whether you were naughty or nice this year, that is, as long as you looked good doing it. Santa will be far too distracted by your style to remember that sleazy hookup you had in the bathroom bar Easter morning (3am to be exact). And he will definitely be too emotionally distressed by your Uggs to remember any volunteer work you might have done.
This is the Santa we would like to believe in and, of course, impress.
If you’re hoping on any chance of making it into his good list for the holidays, here are some tips on what to start wearing. The list of what not-to wear is far too long and, quite frankly, if you think anything on that list is a good idea then at this point you are probably too far gone to save. (Enjoy Christmas hell, losers.)
Whoever thought turtlenecks went out of style had a double chin and couldn’t pull it off. Both men and women alike should be rocking tight-fitting, solid colored turtlenecks this holiday season, making sure to stick their necks up high for photos.
2. Tight-fitting & Monochromatic Clothing
This isn’t a particular item per se, however, under all the layers and puffy coats, avoid looking like a polar bear and scaring Santa. Indulge in warm clothes that hug the body rather than enlarge it. Though, the polar bear had the right idea with keeping it all one color.
3. Leather Jackets
Whoever doesn’t own a leather jacket is a person you shouldn’t be bringing home to Mom, unless you want to bore her. Mom is not a regular mom- she is a cool mom.
Stick to the holiday theme and rock some flannel. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to be fashionable, wear flannel ironically, and look good doing it. Just make sure the squares are large and it is a dark color. Match it with solid colors, such as black or white, and boom! You’re fashionably wearing flannel ironically and looking good doing it.
5. Three Shots of Tequila
The perfect accessory to any holiday occasion, no outfit would be complete without three shots of tequila. Please keep in mind this is a minimum and by no means a maximum.